When is it time to move my Mom?

The news on Sunday about a man named Mr. Ricardo has had me and my colleagues a-buzz. Mr. Ricardo died in his home, in front of the TV then was found a year later with the TV still on. This has sure sparked some interesting conversation the last couple of days. I had a conversation with my Broker, and with a couple of people who work in the Senior Industry in Minneapolis. We have grappled with the questions of "Do you move your parent out of the home when they are a safety hazard to themselves?" "When is the right time to help your parent move out of the home?" We didn't come up with any answers to make this discussion any easier for ourselves, or the family of a loved one. Before these discussions, I thought I had the answers that were right for me and my parents. I've written about it a little here. But these insightful people I've surrounded myself with have led me to revisit my thoughts. While this introspection can be difficult, hopefully it will make me a better practitioner, and a more thoughtful daughter. I won't do any of these conversations justice in a blog post, but hopefully will be able to represent the main points.

My Broker, Sheryl, represents the view of a daughter who struggled with the question "How could I move my Dad when I know he wants to stay in his home?" In Sheryl's case she knew her Dad could have been a safety hazard to himself. He wasn't driving, so he wasn't going to endanger anyone else. He was in his home, and had home health care givers helping him with some of his acitivies of daily living (ADLs). Sheryl had the recognition that her Dad wanted to stay in- and die in- his own home. Her father had a support system in place to minimize his risks and he lived in his home as long Sheryl was able to make that happen. A courageous move given that we like to yank our seniors out of their homes at the first sign of trouble.

One of the senior industry professionals I network with and think very highly of shared with me her bias of wanting to surround seniors with a strong support system (let's face it, most seniors are going to have more social interaction in a social community than they would in a single family home) and lots of social activities. Her contention is that quality of life is so much better (especially for single Seniors) once they move into a senior community. She hears seniors say all the time "I wish I had done this years ago." She has seen a trend that disturbs her in senior community living. We are living longer, waiting longer to move out of our homes, and as a result, more of us move from our homes to an assisted living facility. There are a large number of seniors who spend too many years living alone, not getting adequate nutrition, spend time worrying about home maintenance and how they will get to the pharmacy or the grocery store, and are in general, spend most of their time alone and are very lonely. They miss out on an opportunity to live in an indpenedant living senior community where active healthy seniors are socializing and squeezing as much out of every day as their bodies will allow them. This senior professional is a woman who works at an independant living senior community. Her job is to fill the available apartments.

Then there's me. I think we do best in our homes (remember, I make a living helping people move). As long as a senior has expressed an interest in staying home, whether they are 65 (is a 65 year old a senior?) or 95, we should try to make that happen with the following caveats;

Adequate support system. This means the Senior's social, spiritual and health needs are met, they don't go days without having contact with another human being, and that someone would notice if their is a decline in their mental or physical health. This includes the ability to get to the grocery store, the doctor, the pharmacist, etc. You don't have to still be driving to stay home if you live in a metropolitan area.

Adequate housing. Our house is our home. Our seniors should not ever be put in a position where they are living in substandard housing. Even if the senior expresses a desire to stay in their home, I really think this is a quality of life and safety issue. Our seniors deserve to live in reasonable housing that isn't falling down around them.

Adequate Finances. Most seniors don't think about the pile of cash equity a home that is ownd free-and-clear represents. With the advent of Reverse Mortgages, lines of credit, and bridge loans, I advocate for a senior to stay in their home if they aren't having to chose between prescription medication and groceries.

Safety- I don't have the courage Sheryl does. If personal safety is at risk I think it's time to move. Granted, I think this might be a little selfish. You see, I avoid the guilt if something should happen. On the other hand, if there is some dementia the quality of life may simply be better in a senior community where the senior surrounded by people who care.

My conlusion - there are no absolute right answers. We do the best we can in our own individual circumstances to make the right decisions for ourselves and those we love.

Rest in peace, Mr. Ricardo.